A favorite tool I use when writing these blurbs is the website Apple Rankings. Written by comedian Brian Frange, it often gives extremely harsh but comical reviews of apple varieties. I’ll leave a blurb here from Apple Ranking’s review of Melroses, but I promise these are tastier than it makes it sound.
“This WWII-era tank-fruit is a daunting behemoth that could easily smash in a Nazi’s skull if hurled at close range. Dense, thick-skinned, and great in an apple pie, this state apple of Ohio may be the most American apple on Earth.”